Thursday, December 31, 2015

Happy New Year!

It’s the last day of 2015, and I’ve been virtually absent from my blog this year. Too much has happened, both good and…well, not so good. I hesitate to say anything was “bad,” because even when things didn’t work out as planned (or hoped for), I still learned something from the experience. That’s worth something, right?

A lot, actually. At least to me.

So…2016 is upon us, and I’m going to look forward to what I can accomplish in the whole of the new year. It’s not to say that I won’t reflect on 2015 from time to time; I still have some things unresolved from the year. But I’m not going to dwell on it, beat myself up over it or waste my time on regrets. I’m going to “stay in the solution,” as a friend in recovery says, and look back only when there’s something to be learned.

So what does that mean? Well, it means I’m going to stay focused on the “now.” On this moment, this time in my life. It means staying positive about my home, my job, my friendships and relationships with my family. It means taking care of myself and these amazing and wonderful beings—my Fritz and JJ—with whom the Universe has entrusted me. It means concentrating on my spiritual life and learning to follow the path upon which I have been set for the last 10 years. No more fighting it, no more trying to force myself back into a life I once knew—or choosing something new simply because it was different.

I’m a Libra, which means I'm all about balance. Those who know me are probably sick of hearing that, but the reality is, I haven’t had true balance in my life for many years. I’ve had some semblance of it from time to time, all I could manage sometimes and at others what I could achieve in order to get me to my next right place. But now, finally, I feel like I’m realizing a balance that’s meant to lead me into the next phase of my life. That’s not to say I won’t need to fine-tune, make mistakes—and adjustments—and still learn a lot as I find my way. It does mean, however, that I’ve discovered enough about the real me to have some confidence in the general direction.

So…what does this mean for my writing? Well, It’s taken me the whole year (and probably more) to admit to myself: as much as I have loved romance novels during most of my life, I can’t go back to writing them. The focus on the romance first and personal growth second just doesn’t work for me anymore. Oh, I still believe in Happily-Ever-After, and I’ll probably always include something of a romance in whatever I write, but it’s no longer the only topic of interest for me. It’s simply part of a complex circumstance that makes up a life, and I want to investigate more of that.

This may mean I never publish another thing; I really don’t know. I just know that I’ve struggled with finding the right project for a very long time, and none of them have been quite right.  At least not for the months of commitment required to write a manuscript of nearly 400 pages. I’ve followed good career or business decisions for selecting certain ideas, but they haven’t touched the depth of my creativity—or my soul. Without that, I’m simply a fraud stringing words and sentences together without the emotional content they deserve.

But 2016 is a new year, I’m learning and growing every day, and I’m really quite confident that I’ll find my way. To be honest, I’m pretty darned happy with the way things are. I no longer feel bad or sad or not good enough. I feel like, after a long time of going down blind alleys and getting lost in the forest, I’ve finally found the right fork in the road. I have no idea where it’s taking me, but I’m up for the adventure.

Here’s hoping you all are looking forward to the new year as much as I am!


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